


Hold Me Once Again

by orphan_account



Category: On My Block (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, and mention of sex, and swears, anywaays, but i'm not popsugar, but no smut bc i'm pure, cuz guys, enjoy?, idk what else to say, oh yeah, or just olivia, so i'm not writing 'ruby’s abuela', sorry - Freeform, sorry bout that, thanks for reading this, the order of my tags got messed up, there are A LOT of characters out there named olivia, there are more characters i promise, there's a lot of angst, tw for self-hatred, uhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 01:26:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14094015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be."orthe aftermath of that goddamn finale





	1. unsafe

Ruby. Olivia. 

His friends, no, his _family_ , gunned down by a boy he’d known since elementary school- a boy who’d been aiming for him. A boy he’d trusted enough to let him to get away, to believe him when he'd said he'd disappear.

This was his fault. His fault that two of the people he loved most in the world were lying on the ground, bleeding to their deaths.

His fault that his girlfriend- the word, which just moments ago he’d longed to be able to use, brought no pleasure to him now- was sobbing into his chest, because she knew that no one who cared enough to do anything could afford the hospital bills. 

Letting out a stifled moan, he buried his face in her shoulder, willing himself not to cry.

He didn’t have the right to cry, after what he’d done.

He’d been so foolish, so reckless, so _dumb_.

He’d actually believed that this would turn out okay, that Latrelle would give up this easy.

Now Olivia was bleeding to death instead of celebrating her Quinceañera. Because of him.

And Ruby. Ruby, who’d cried out, trying to warn his friend before he tried to save himself. Ruby, who’d jumped in front of his girlfriend without a trace of hesitation, sacrificing himself all so she could have a chance to survive.

A chance that Latrelle had somehow still managed to steal from her.

Cesar hadn’t fired the gun, but he might as well have. It was because of his hasty, naive decision that they were fighting a losing battle for their lives.

Maybe, if he hadn’t let Olivia go, he’d be in Ruby’s place- hell, maybe Olivia wouldn’t be where she was, either. He’d always had faster reflexes, much to Ruby’s discomfort.

He had to get out of here, had to go somewhere else, anywhere else- away from here. No, that wasn’t all. He needed to stay away from his house, too. It would only be a matter of time before his brother found out about the shooting, found out that Cesar had lied about the deadly act he’d promised to perform.

And yet, he couldn’t leave Monse, couldn’t let her go. For some reason, she didn’t seem to realize what he’d done, didn’t seem to understand that it was his fault. She ought to hate him, ought to be running from him, yet here she was, holding onto him as though her life depended on it, and letting him hold her, equally desperately.  
He didn’t deserve her- that, he’d known for a long time.

Words she’d spoken months ago, back before it all went to hell, came flooding back, and he gripped her tighter, hoping to drown out the echoes that did nothing but remind him of a truth he was unable to face.

Because she’d been right, although she hadn’t known it then, and didn’t seem to know it now. He had known it then, and had tricked himself in forgetting- until now.

He _wasn’t_ safe. It was dangerous for her to be seen with him, and it’d be more dangerous after the full story got out, as it would. It always did.

He should leave her, her and everyone else here. He only made things worse.

And yet, he couldn’t seem to let go.

So maybe he’d hold on, just a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeey.
> 
> I'm sorry, looking back on this I realized it's pretty short. Hope y'all enjoy anyways, thanks for reading! <3<3<3


	2. blame all around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monse tries to comfort Cesar, but in order to do that, she has to figure out how to comfort herself, resulting in the realization of a call she _really_ ought to make.

Monse glanced up from her phone, meeting Cesar’s eyes, and swallowing hard, blinking back tears. It was as though he was watching her without really seeing her- his eyes remained on hers, but he made no acknowledgement to the fact that she’d caught him staring at her.

Coming to sit beside him on her bed, she rested her head on his shoulder, silently promising that she wouldn’t let go- of him, or of Olivia and Ruby.

They hadn’t been allowed to come to the hospital- the doctors had told them only family was allowed in. 

The doctors didn’t understand.

They _were_ family, just as much as Ruby’s parents, and the twins, and Ruby’s _abuela_. Just as much as Olivia’s parents, who still hadn’t been informed of the shooting.

Monse had wanted to call them, but she didn’t have their number, and Cesar didn’t have their number, and they didn’t have a cell phone, as far as anyone was aware. 

The hotel they were staying in had a number, but the service was bad, and Ruby’s parents had decided to wait until everything had been figured out.

It had been Monse’s idea to come back to her house- the whole neighborhood knew about the shooting by now, and it was clear that Cesar wouldn’t want to face his brother- that much, she could read, although his eyes were far more troubled and confusing then they’d ever been.

It was unsettling, his cryptic expression. She'd always been able to read him, along with Ruby and Jamal, and more recently, Olivia. 

But now, Monse didn't know what he was thinking, didn't know how she could possibly comfort him. 

She knew he blamed himself for what had happened. That much, he'd told her, and despite her attempts at reassurance, she knew his feelings hadn't changed. 

But beyond, the guilt, and beyond the self-hatred, there was something else, something Monse couldn’t read. She couldn’t see it in his facial expression, either, in the way she usually was able to- it was more like she could sense it. 

This something was much darker than the guilt, much more violent than the hatred.

It frightened her, although she wasn’t sure what it was that she was scared of, exactly.

She wasn’t frightened of Cesar, though, no matter how much the dark, powerful feeling terrified her. That feeling wasn’t the boy she sat beside; the boy she’d known all her life; the boy whose hand had still automatically slipped around her waist, no matter how much pain he was bottling up. 

So she wasn’t scared of Cesar, perhaps because what she felt wasn’t fear, exactly, just bitterness, anger that Cesar had to bear a terrible burden she couldn’t seem to relieve him of.

She blamed herself- not in the sense that Cesar blamed himself, not for the shooting, but for the way he’d reacted. For the way she’d been unable to dissuade him from the blame, and the guilt, and the anger that would forever change and haunt him.

And yet, some little part of her knew that wasn’t what was bothering her- it wasn’t her fault that he was guilty, she knew, and it wasn’t too late to stop him from blaming himself.

She hated the guilt that was slowly consuming him, but it wasn’t her fault that he felt that way.

She knew better than that. She wouldn’t blame herself for this.

Still she felt guilt, intense, heartbreaking guilt. Not over Cesar, but over Ruby and Olivia.

She shouldn’t have let Cesar and Olivia break up over her- not on such notice, anyways. Then, maybe she would’ve been in Olivia’s place. _Or maybe Cesar would’ve been in Ruby’s._

But no, she couldn’t let her mind go there, couldn’t go back to thinking the way she had when she’d returned to a new Cesar, a changed Cesar, a Cesar who was in his brother’s gang. She couldn’t go back to the constant fear, to the images of him lying on the floor, his life bleeding out of him, all because of one fatal gunshot.

Of course, that image had replayed in her mind far more recently- after their almost-kiss, ending with an almost-death, and now, two possible deaths.

She should’ve gone after Latrelle, should’ve made him pay, should’ve done _something_.

Should’ve called Olivia’s parents, should’ve called Jamal, should’ve-

 _Jamal_.

She needed to call Jamal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey again!
> 
> thanks to everyone who's reading this and takes the time to comment and/or leave kudos. it means the world to me.
> 
> most chapters will circulate between Monse and Cesar's POV's, but the next one will be in Jamal's POV (that will probably come out on Fri.) 
> 
> thanks again for even just taking the time to read this. 
> 
> check me out on tumblr (forever-a-lonely-valentine), and drop a request in my inbox if you have any writing ideas! <3 :)


End file.
